I’m pretty sure I can trace my “anxiety” back to elementary school. I was in the fifth grade when I started having stomach pains on a regular basis. It got so bad that I was hospitalized to undergo testing. When the tests came up negative, they figured it was something in my diet.
For one week at a time, over a period of several, a different food was removed. That didn’t solve the mystery either. One good thing did come from it though. The doctor’s note excused me from eating the disgusting canned fruit selections being served up by the lunch ladies.
This was big because at my school we had to "show" the Sisters our trays so that food was not wasted. There was no negotiation regarding our food preferences. At first I tried hiding the peaches, pears, plums, or fruit cocktail in my milk cartoon. But I guess I wasn't the only one because the Sisters eventually caught wind of this and started "shaking" the cartons. It was a sickening feeling when you heard the "rattle" and even worse when you had to eat what was inside.
I discovered that I could wrap them in napkins and situate my thumb and fore finger over the top of the tray while hiding the contents in my other three fingers underneath. This came after I got caught hiding my entire left hand under the tray. I reasoned that having to hold napkins filled with gross, squishy fruit absolved me from the sin of willfully wasting food.
All in all, the trip to the hospital was worth it. I was able to get out of eating the fruit for a long time after. I imagine that had to relieve at least a bit of my anxiety.
I guess the purpose in writing this particular piece is just to say that I’ve been more intentional about thinking of all the things that I have experienced — even ones from my childhood that I had not initially considered were attached to my diagnoses. It’s helped me see how long I’ve been navigating at least one of my issues. I think it’s reasonable to conclude that what I experienced was part of an anxiety disorder and that the way it first manifested itself in me was through my stomach issues. I don’t know if they had identified IBS back then, but it sure seems to sum up a lot of what I still struggle with today.
I also wonder if the habit of "clearing my plate" contributed in some way to my eating disorder.
One thing I know for sure is that I stay away from any fruit that comes in a can.
Are there things that you recognize from your childhood that were indicative of mental health issues?
#anxiety #painful #unpredictable
