I can tell when there is the onset of a depression episode. I can feel it right across my brow. It’s like a weight that rests there. And as the days and sometimes weeks pass while I’m in this place, I pile up things on the shelf that can weigh me down even further. One time this image felt so real, I literally thought, “I sure hope those mollies can hold what I’m piling on.” It’s like I can’t help myself. Even knowing that I am in danger of the shelf pulling away from the wall under the weight, I can’t bring myself to remove the items.
I have an ornate tole wall shelf right by my front door. It’s under a picture of Mary holding Jesus as a baby and above the first few steps leading to the second floor. The shelf holds a statue of the Pieta (Mary holding Jesus after He died), a small glass vessel of Holy Water, a pix for when I take Holy Communion to my mom, and two beautiful rosaries gifted by loved ones. These things are precious to me.
It’s not lost on me that I run the risk of having these items placed in a precarious position. But it’s a place of honor. I chose it specifically so that I could pass by it many times during the day.
That shelf has come off the wall – a couple times when the wind slammed the door shut and once when my neighbor set off a cherry bomb. Nothing has ever broken but it has been startling to say the least. I suppose it kind of reminds me that I have fallen, but I am not broken. I’m not something that needs to be fixed, although surely, I’ve needed mending.
At times, I’ve walked by the shelf and it’s a visual reminder of the balance that I try to achieve. Sometimes I imagine rearranging the items – in reality, the worries. Sometimes I’ve lined them up proportionately or sometimes they’re just random. Most of the time I can manage.
It’s hard to explain the difference between the depression that is from inside and the depression that comes from things that happen in life. Perhaps clinical depression is like dust. I can walk by a shelf and see the dust. I want to do something about it, but I just don’t have the energy. Coming out of one of my episodes is like having the energy to remove the items from the shelf; dusting each one, wiping off the top, and putting them back in place. Sometimes they are arranged differently.
Sometimes when I have transitioned back into a more normal mode, things can also look a little different. There is a lightness now because the dust has been cleared off. But the reality is, at some point, the dust will accumulate again.
What has the weight of depression felt like for you?
#debilitating #depression #overwhelmed
