The month of December is hard for me. The shorter days of light weigh heavily on me. It’s like I’m on a countdown until the winter solstice. I believe this is part of my OCD. I get anxious about the approaching sundown. It’s harder for me to function and I’m holding my breath until the days start to grow longer. I wake up on December 22nd feeling a little lighter and more hopeful. I’m glad that Christmas comes after this dividing line in my mind.
My husband Joe died in October of 2017. His birthday is November 30th. He loved Christmas. It makes sense to me that this is a difficult time of the year for me. I’m not hard on myself for that.
But this past December, 2025, was the worst yet. Not having a routine was a problem. For as long as I can remember I’ve had one – going to school, teaching, having children and their schedules, overlapped with fifteen years of pastoral work until April of ‘25. This December I had way too much time on my hands. About the only thing that I had to mark my days were the ones when I took my mom to a doctor’s appointments or the hospital. I looked forward to these days because it got me out of bed. It gave me purpose. This experience has shown me that a schedule helps to ground me.
I had anticipated that December would be difficult, as it had been the past nine. But I thought that I’d be in a better place because I didn’t have the added burden of drinking. I was disappointed in myself. I was there for quite a while when I remembered something my friend Mary taught me. When you are going through a hard time ask, “God, what is it that you want me to learn from this?” I sure got some good answers. Details to follow.
What does your “darkness” look like?
#debilitating #depression #grief
