673 texts and counting, correction mounting. This was the total at one point in December when I finally glanced at my phone. My voice mailbox was also full – that’s why the person left text #673. I didn’t even bother to check emails. Christmas cards remained in the mailbox located at the far end of my attached garage.
This is what it looks like when I’m in “that” place. It would make sense to think that I could avoid getting there if I just didn’t let things pile up. But this isn’t the start or end – it’s the middle.
I think this issue is a combination of my OCD and clinical depression. I think they happen in tandem. This insidiousness of my mental health struggles. I don’t have the energy to keep up and catching up is overwhelming, so I can’t. It’s probably why I hide or refrain from checking the mailbox or letting my phone run down so that it’s dead. I don’t have the mental or physical energy to face the implications of my inability to do something that most others would have no problem accomplishing.
I know I’ve missed out on things. I’ve missed important moments, conversations, opportunities. The truth is that when I’m going through one of these episodes, if I could not open the mail or listen to the message then I wouldn’t have been well enough to attend, comment, or engage.
I totally get people being frustrated. I understand that there’s confusion and hurt when I’m not available to reach and when I’m just not present. When I’m distant it's not because I don’t care. I’m distant because I can’t.
What is going on for you when it is a challenge to maintain connections with others?
#compulsion #hiding #overwhelmed
