My husband called me “Allie”. I love that my parents used my mom’s first name, Joyce, as my middle name. “Joy” is a word that I hope people would use to describe me.

On balance, I would say that I have lived a beautiful life. I have been loved by the family I grew up with and the one I helped to create. I loved my husband, I have five children that I treasure, friends that I can count on, meaningful work where I felt I made a difference, and a strong faith. I recognize all these blessings. They are real. But what is also real is this sense of sadness and isolation I felt and how I just couldn’t figure out why I felt the way I did.   

I have had heartaches. In particular, the death of my youngest sister Jennifer two days before I turned 14 and becoming a widow at 55 after my husband Joe fell ill and suffered for four months. I have grieved these losses and others. It made sense that I would struggle. But there have also been many times in my life that feelings of despair and loneliness didn’t come from any obvious “outside” reason or source. It was just there. I experienced this deep and recurring pain from within no matter what my life looked like. But how could I have the nerve to feel depressed or anxious when I had so many good things going for me? 

For a long time, I did not recognize my issues as being mental health ones. I associated mental illness with the extreme cases often portrayed in movies, tv, and media. I think that’s what makes mental illness so insidious and devastating. I have had an ongoing battle inside of me as to whether my struggles came from how I am made or caused by the circumstances and chaos of life. Often, I believe, it is both. In my experience, there is a difference. Similar feelings but different sources. And at times, both sources would collide. 

I had long held myself back from revealing them for fear of what others would think of me. Wouldn’t people reject me if they knew about my depression, anxiety, past eating disorder, OCD, and struggle with alcoholism? But I came to understand that this kind of fear held me in a much darker space. I am not damaged because of my mental illnesses. This is part of how God formed me - unique, irreplaceable, and precious. I am His beloved daughter. 

This blog is partly about me revealing some of the darkness that has held me in places that I no longer care to stay. I don’t know where this is going to lead. I just know that I am ready to move forward even with this slight trepidation that I might be seen differently by those who know me personally. But I am willing. I am trusting that this is part of God's plan. I'm just me and it's just time. My heart already feels a bit lighter because I have found a way to name what has often haunted me.