It was December of 2023. The NFL was in full swing and so were the league sponsored commercials from players encouraging people to reach out for help regarding their mental health. There were also these stirring videos entitled “Awkward Silence” playing on YouTube. Just months after Jacqueline's death, I took these as a sign to speak up.
I was with a group of people I respected. It was in a professional but pastoral setting and our discussion centered on how to support individuals with mental health struggles. I thought I was safe in this setting because of the implications related to our work. I decided to be brave and share my ongoing battle with clinical depression, anxiety disorder, OCD, as well as my eating disorder for the better part of my 20s. What I received was n-o-t-h-i-n-g. No kind of response during the meeting or even afterwards in private settings. I had expected something different.
This post is not about shaming anyone. I've certainly been in situations where I didn’t know how to respond so I either stayed quiet or said the wrong thing to fill the space. And I'm not shaming myself either because I took a chance to reveal something important about myself with people I trusted. I guess it’s just to say that I’m glad I haven’t stopped sharing my story and grateful that there have been people that say things like “Thanks, Allison, for sharing” or even “I'm sorry; I just don’t know what to say or do."
I cannot “fix” anyone and I don’t want anybody to try and fix me. I just want to learn better how to receive what someone is trying to share from their heart and hope that I can find others to do the same for me. I want people to give me second chances when I make mistakes, and I want to extend the same to others.
I did take another chance and spoke up again when that group gathered a month later. I saw a vulnerability in them as I reflected on how I felt. It was worth the risk for me to revisit this so that I could learn to navigate awkward and uncomfortable conversations. I received from them that day what I was looking for the first time I disclosed. There was care and kindness. I felt heard.
Have you ever told someone about your mental health struggle and didn’t feel supported in the way you needed? Or has someone come to with their struggles and you didn’t know how to respond?
#boundaries #forgiveness #vulnerability
