At one point in the weeks-long depression period, I started watching YouTube videos of police officers arresting drunk drivers and people behaving badly in airports, retail stores, and other various settings. I was a bit obsessed.
One day my youngest daughter passed by my bedroom door likely hearing, “Are you serious? I didn’t do anything!” To be fair this was probably the fourth or fifth day that I had been watching them and at this point it had turned from curiosity to concern for her. She popped her head in and said, “Mom, why are you watching these videos?” Oh, I don’t know… yeah, sure I do. I needed to see myself in others who had crossed a line so I wouldn’t go back.
I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have reacted the way they did in those videos but the truth is that it had only been twelve weeks earlier when I had taken risks to drive with open Bud Light bottles in my car and surely driven under the influence. It was ridiculous and irresponsible. I was reckless. I knew that I wasn’t in a good place and yet I must not have fully recognized how bad it was or I wouldn’t have been doing it. I’m fortunate that I hadn’t gone too far and lucky that I didn’t get caught because there would’ve been serious consequences.
Watching those videos took me back to those moments where I might’ve been discovered for all the things I was hiding. They reminded me that as much as I might have the inclination to drink so that I could be numb and not feel the hurt I was feeling, I didn’t want to fall back into those destructive patterns. This was huge for me because I was in such a hard place. I could’ve easily slipped back into what had given me comfort in the past.
I spent much of the first three weeks of December in my bedroom. I had never had an episode last that long but I didn’t complicate things by adding something else that would’ve made it worse. There were many moments when my kids would check in with me. I told them honestly, “Not so good, but at least I’m not drinking.” That was good.
Have you ever recognized a destructive or unhealthy behavior in yourself when trying to cope with your depression?
#coping #depression #numbing
