Today is Monday, August 31, 2026. It is mid-afternoon. Normally I would have already posted one of the 38 stories I have previously written. But I have been going back and forth all day and feel as though I need to interrupt my “regularly scheduled program” to talk about what I have been going through these past few weeks.
In full disclosure, I tried to do this on July 27, but was too afraid of where it was taking me. So I posted #16. I understand that for anyone reading my blog, it seems like I just got through the Dark Days of December. But for me that was seven months ago. I want and actually need to share my most recent challenges and discoveries now.
Perhaps it is best to start with the ending, like those movies that give you a glimpse of what is to come and then flashes back to reveal what led up to that point. The truth is that the reality I was pondering was the question, “What if the very thing that could help me is a burden I fear I can’t carry?”
So here goes. The beginning of five weeks ago…
Today is Monday, July 27th. I have the story, “I Don’t Should Myself Anymore”, scheduled to post but I'm lying here on my bed wondering if I need to write in real time. There are many thoughts racing through my mind.
I so want to call my friend Kelly to process all of this stuff but it’s morning here and three hours earlier where she lives. I hesitate partly because of the time difference but also because I don't want to unload on her. Yet I feel like unloading might be the very thing that might help me move beyond this pain. Instead, I am talking out loud so that it is captured by my computer and hope that I can read the words later and make sense of what feels like five lanes trying to merge into one.
One of my thoughts centers on a homily given by Fr. Mike Schmidt. He talks about when people question God about what they are to do with their life; the meaning of it, what direction to go, and what is our purpose? The answer he offered was that we are exactly where God wants us to be at that moment. So whatever my questions, my uncertainties, my wondering – all of what I direct to Him about my state of being – that’s what He wants for me.
I have also been thinking a lot about a post I saw on LinkedIn a couple of weeks ago regarding Dr. Nolan Williams. He was a brilliant neuroscientist who developed a treatment for severe depression, something that he also dealt with personally. He died by suicide in October of 2025. Since reading his story, I have found myself wondering if there really is any hope? I know that the more days that I live with episodes, the more my brain changes. This results in more frequent episodes lasting longer. I am plagued with thoughts of wondering if I will get to that point of despair?
I fear that I will become a burden. I’ve moved beyond being embarrassed about others seeing me in pain. But I can’t rid the thoughts of the sense of worry they will feel because they love me. This adds more weight to an already heavy load.
I think again about what Fr. Mike Schmidt said. Is this where God wants me to be? I feel as though I am supposed to trust that it is. Does He want me to overcome my fear of being a burden to others who love me? Does He want me to do the thing that I believe will help me move through the pain to get to the other side? Does He want me to talk about what I fear I might think about someday?
I need to get out of my head space because I don’t know where these thoughts are taking me and I’m a bit scared to continue. For now, I am going to return to my regularly scheduled program.
(I’m stopping here because it is what I truly did at that moment. I’ll continue in my next post with what I did after I left my bedroom.)
What is a burden you bear?
#fear #reality #TrustinGod
