Storms

I’ve had the thought “I just wish it could all be over”

I have never made a plan, but when I have the thought “I just wish it could all be over”, I know that I am once again in that scary space. I wish I knew why it is that one day can seem like another, at least on the outside, because inside I am different. 

I’ve learned that when I have an episode of depression, my brain changes. It is likely that my episodes will be more frequent and will last longer. This information frightens me, but it also gives me a bit of relief because I questioned why they were increasing.   

Sometimes I think I can trace the onset to a trigger like a significant date or event, but other times it just seems so random. I’ve wondered if there is a rhythm and cycle to it, but even that often doesn’t ring true. Perhaps it makes sense if I liken it to weather. 

I live in the Midwest where we have all four seasons. With that comes the predictability and likelihood of different kinds of weather, depending on what month we are in. But then there’s always these random occurrences like thunder snow. I mean where the heck does that come from? It doesn’t even make any sense and yet it happens. 

Sometimes there’s a bit more warning - the dark clouds in the distance, those first few raindrops, and the wind picking up. I wonder if it will pass over quickly or will there be a deluge that includes hail stones that damage my potted plants? My husband, Joe, called me the “weather woman wanna be” as I am fascinated by it. I love tuning into the Weather Channel as they are tracking a new storm in my area. They say things like “the history of this storm is…,” What do they mean by this? How can there be a history of a storm if it hasn’t happened yet? I stay tuned to learn more. I gather from their explanations that there are patterns and predictabilities. They can pinpoint what areas are most vulnerable and when the storm is likely to dissipate. 

Knowing when the storm is approaching allows me time to do some things to mitigate the damage. I can take the cushions off my outdoor furniture. I can move my pots under cover. But there’s a part of my yard where I have these two beautiful maple trees that go unprotected. I worry that strong winds will bend them so far over that they pull away from the ground. I’m not kidding that this is a real fear for me. I even have dreams that I am out there trying to hold the trees steady while bracing for the next strong gust. 

I think there is a correlation between these storms and my episodes of depression - patterns of ones that pass by rather quickly and storm systems that are stalled overhead and in my head.

Is there a date or event that triggers an episode of depression for you? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at …    allie joyful Facebook group.                                             

#acceptance   #anxiety    #burden   #coping   #depression    #debilitating    #depression     #fear    #overwhelmed   #painful    #reality      #unpredictable  #vulnerability