Beginnings

it had exposed a part of my heart and suffering

I wrote the reflection on Jacqueline S. in March 2025. I’d found a template for a sunflower mental health lanyard we had worked on a couple years earlier tucked away in a desk drawer. I missed her. In an yyyhhhhhhhhhhyyyyhhhyyhhyyyyyyyytimpulse I grabbed my phone and spoke into it. For a moment it felt like she was on the other end and I was just telling her my thoughts. What you saw in the post “Jacqueline S.” is pretty much what I said initially, with just a few subsequent edits. I think the whole thing took about seven minutes. It was so easy to speak those words about her and that ease must have helped me to transition into naming my own mental health struggles. When I finished talking and looked at the words, I was struck by the rawness and admission. They said something different than what was in my head. It made a kind of sense that I had not accepted before. 

Jacqueline’s life and death had motivated me in my work and advocacy for others. Many of her experiences resonated with ones that I had tried to keep hidden. I had shared hers as a way to impact change but had stopped short of revealing my own. 

I read and reread the words that Jacqueline had said about her mental illness. About them not defining her but being part of how God created her and trying to figure out how He was using her to make a difference for others. I had never intended to share what I wrote about her with anyone. It was just for me. But it had exposed a part of my heart and suffering. It made me wonder if He had a similar plan for me.

I first shared what I wrote with my friend Kelly. She received it with such love and compassion. She got me thinking about starting a blog and suggested submitting my piece to our local newspaper as part of Mental Health Awareness Month. That didn’t go anywhere but it was a step. 

God kept putting people in my path that were willing to use their gifts and skills to make my simple words reach others. When I told my children that I felt that sharing my story would be good for me and might help others, my daughter Caroline told her friend and co-worker, Lauren, at their AD agency. She created my logo. I started being braver about the possibilities and talked about my mental health struggles more intentionally. This led to my connection with Jenn who offered to design this website and take care of the social media.

Because Jacqueline’s story was the first thing that I wrote, I worked backwards from there. I shared my first writings with another friend, Meagan, who kindly challenged me to go deeper and name the things I initially glossed over. I changed mental “health” to mental “illness”. It felt safer to be real. God continued to put people in my path. 

I called Jacqueline’s parents to tell them of my intentions and to ask permission to tell her story. They were touched that I wanted to honor their daughter and the impact she had on my life. They cautioned me that people might treat me differently once they knew of my mental illnesses. I felt their deep care and concern for me. They helped me to consider the risks I was taking. 

Whenever I go across town, I try to take the route that passes by her home. It’s then that I call her parents. Sometimes I am lucky and they are there to pick up. Other times I leave a voicemail and I hear from them later. Jacqueline had called a week before she died and left a message. I play it sometimes to hear her voice. I treasure it and the memory of other things she shared. Her words made a difference. She had kindly challenged me to consider what I was doing in terms of my own struggles. I think she would be pleased that I am sharing her story and mine.

Is there someone you know personally or a public figure that has shared his or her struggle regarding mental illness that has made a difference for you? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at allie joyful Facebook group.