The day I stopped drinking was a Friday. I'd spent the following day with my brother-in-law at his farm. It was the first time I had ever fished. It helped being in a completely different element as I was trying to navigate this new normal. He knew about the drama that took place the day before and allowed me to just be. My mom and sister listened as I shared more throughout the weekend. I called my friend Kelly. She had known about my secrets. I drove back home with my mom on Monday. I felt a peace I hadn't known for some time.
On Tuesday, I went to my “spot” in my living room and sat down to write. I had no words. I looked down at my screen and just saw an empty space. It was the same as I looked up and across the room. There was just this vastness. I figured I was still unwinding from my trip. The next morning I sat in that same spot, the very place where I'd written ten posts before – before, when I was drinking. Again, nothing. I started panicking a bit.
I texted my friend Meagan and asked if we could talk. She called me right away. I shared with her that I'd quit drinking and felt frozen as I tried to write. She told me that she understood as she knows others who often feel like they need alcohol or drugs to be creative.
I remember quiet. I think she was giving me the space to absorb what she'd said and consider my options. Perhaps we were both contemplating whether I might say that I had to start drinking again because I needed it to write.
I’d faced moments like this before – deciding whether to drink or not. I think God allowed me those few seconds to be sure it was what I wanted. I told Meagan that if I couldn’t write without drinking alcohol then I guess it was the end of the blog. I wasn’t going back there.
Each day I pray that God places people in my path that leads me to Him, and that I do the same for others. Meagan was that person for me that Wednesday. She listened and acknowledged my feelings. This helped me to see how I'd relied on alcohol and had given it credit for some of the things that I thought I couldn’t do without it. That day affirmed that I do have a gift for writing. I have God to thank for this, not alcohol.
If you are using alcohol or drugs to cope, is there something you fear will happen if you stop?
#accompaniment #gratitude #TrustInGod
