My bulimia started simple enough. I was working at the daycare at Saint Mary’s College the summer before my senior year. We had an open house. I ate too much, too fast, felt awful, and then made myself sick. I probably would have gotten there naturally but I hurried it along because I had three and four year olds counting on me.
It was just so easy. I mean it wasn’t – because I never considered the price I would pay many years later, but it sure seemed simple then. I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight. That was the beginning of almost 8 years – every meal, every day. I got the affirmation I needed to continue as people started commenting on how I looked. Several years into it, I felt this tremendous amount of shame because I was hiding how I was achieving this. There were a lot of days that I would say to myself, “I won’t tomorrow.” But I had so many tomorrows so what’s one more?
I am thankful to the doctor that made it safe for me to name my struggle as I was trying to find out why I couldn’t get pregnant after three years of trying. He looked at me with such kindness and compassion and said, “Maybe God wants you to be healthy so that you can carry your baby safely.” The fear of what I would lose if I stopped my bulimia became less than what I feared if I didn’t do what I needed to have a baby.
What I did made sense to me – the bulimia, I mean. I worried what would happen if I stopped. Wondering what things would look like on the “other” side kept me in this sort of paralyzed state. I might not like where I was at, but at least there was a sort of familiarity.
I’m not sure if I can explain why one day I did and the next day I didn’t. It just became so clear to me at that moment. I was no longer afraid. I did not shame myself and think I “should” have done it sooner. I was finally at my tomorrow.
What are the struggles that you face with your eating disorder?
#bargaining #compulsion #fear
