As I drove away from home, I called my friend Kelly. I told her about the conversation I had with Caroline and asked her the same question.
Kelly listened. She confirmed that I was not a burden and then asked me if she could ask some questions. I love when she does that because I can say “no” or “maybe later” or feel ready at that moment. Kelly helped me work through several considerations – including my medications and going back to counseling. Although I think of Kelly as being completely brilliant, we laughed when she commented that as much as she would like to think of herself as one, she isn’t a counselor, and maybe this would be one more person to trust and talk to.
Later that afternoon she sent me a text that was so insightful...
“I think you being self-reflective is both a blessing and a curse… you are trying to figure it out all on your own. But even doctors go to other doctors. Therapists see other therapists. It is tricky stuff not to be navigated on your own. Your “job” is to manage it the best you can by getting the best help possible for yourself.”
I called another friend and asked for the name of her counselor. By that afternoon I was in a better place. I had overcome feeling embarrassed asking the question that I needed to hear the answer to. That had been big for me.
But… then, Monday, August 3, came. In the span of just eight days, I was feeling this deep despair again. What was wrong with me?
Before the previous Monday, I had not had an episode since the one in December that had lasted three weeks. It was terribly hard to go through, but I appreciated that the lessons that I wrote about in posts #18 through #24 would help me the next time I went though one. And that is exactly what happened.
I drew from what I had learned. I processed my thoughts out loud and recorded them in a word document. I read them over several times for further contemplation. I recorded more, edited the parts that didn't sound quite right, clarified, and went deeper on some of my initial thoughts. I also didn't isolate. I talked to my daughter and two dear friends. On that day I found great strength in looking back on what had happened the past December. I was grateful that it prepared me to cope with the difficulty that Monday. I had discovered a new way to navigate an episode.
So why? Why was I back to "there" in such a short period of time?
I had two tracks of conversations going through my mind. The first was trying to reason that there was something new God wanted me to learn. But the more compelling thought and the one I could not rid my mind of was that I needed to accept the inevitable. No matter how hard I tried or what I did, I would eventually get to a place where I would make a plan.
As I spoke these words into my computer, it captured more than just feeling embarrassed to say this to Caroline and Kelly. I believed it would change things. Their concern for me would increase because of how close in time these two episodes occurred. I feared that I would catch Caroline looking at me with an uneasiness about what was going through my mind. I wondered if Kelly would feel anxious if I didn’t respond to a call or text quickly enough.
In that moment I realized that I wasn’t even worried about being a burden to them. It had moved beyond that to something different. Something darker. I was feeling the burden of worrying about them worrying about me. I said to myself, “I can't handle it. It's not worth it. It's better to just keep this to myself.”
Are you embarrassed or uncomfortable to share your thoughts or feelings with someone you trust?
#coping #hiding #overwhelmed
