I’ve said, “You should …” to others. I’ve said it plenty of times to myself too. I believe it came from a good place.
I was just so sure that what I had to say was absolutely brilliant and would be life changing. Ok, I know that I’m being sarcastic but there’s a bit of truth to what I thought of my opinion – especially if it involved my kids. I reasoned that I was older or had a similar experience or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I didn’t even respect it when they flat out told me they weren’t interested in hearing what I had to say. I just plowed right ahead and told them because I thought I was being helpful. That, and it was my duty. And, because I knew best.
Then I was on the receiving end of someone “shoulding” me. I didn’t quite care for that. But I also admit that there were times when I
thought I needed someone to tell me what to do because I felt clueless and trusted their opinion.
Thankfully I learned something very helpful from my friend Mary. Not only did she avoid telling what I “should” do when I asked her, but she would follow it up by saying, “Well what do you think?” It was infuriating at first. I wanted to know what she thought. But Mary knew that giving me
her answer wouldn’t really help in the end. She told me that she believed that I had the answer within me.
Mary was not trying to circumvent my question; she was guiding me to trust my instincts. She asked questions based on what I shared that led me to go deeper. She was right. I often did know the answer or was at least further along in figuring it out. Speaking my thoughts out loud allowed me to process them differently than when they were just stuck in my head.
I don’t need to “should” myself or anyone else.
I’ve come to really dislike that word. It feels like shame, so I don’t use it anymore. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come to mind sometimes. So when it does, I go straight to the song I love by “The Clash” – but I have changed the lyrics. Now what I sing is, “Good I Stay or Good I Go Now?” Afterall, I have a history of getting lyrics wrong and then there’s that little matter of my OCD. I just can’t help myself. And those words – they make perfect sense to me.
How do you feel when someone tells you what you “should” do regarding a struggle you have?
#accompaniment #boundaries #capacity
