For several years I served as the coordinator of Project Rachel post-abortion healing ministry offered by the Catholic Church. I was the initial point of contact in my diocese for women and men who called or emailed.
The first call I had was from a woman who had difficulty telling her story because she was crying so hard. She had made that decision twelve years earlier and was still suffering so greatly. I said to her what I truly meant – that God saw her. He loved her. And He forgave her. I was totally sincere, but she questioned how God, or anyone else for that matter, could possibly love her after what she had done.
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I put my head down and prayed, “Holy Spirit, please work through me.” I needed help to find the right words. God took me in a different direction and guided my thoughts away from what I had expected. As if my life was flashing before my eyes, I was above the clouds. They stretched out in vastness. I knew that they represented all the mistakes I’d made. Among them, I saw my children’s faces when I would yell at them, struggling with the pain that I couldn’t put words to. Those sweet little faces and I took it out on them. I was so sorry.
I thought about this woman who had made one devastating decision. I had hurt my children over and over. I had taken out my "stuff" on them. How could God forgive that? I lost track of time but it was only a matter of moments. I understood where God was leading me. If I couldn’t forgive myself for the mistakes that I’d made, then why would this woman or any other person I encounter ever find sincerity in my words? I felt God’s profound mercy. It was a dividing and defining moment in my life.
I found myself in a similar place this past December. Two and a half weeks into this episode – I had never had one last this long – I was sinking lower in despair when I experienced this moment of grace. The Holy Spirit was working through me prompting me to ask myself some hard questions, "If I was sitting in front of a friend who was sharing my story what would I think? What would I say?"
And so in this moment of clarity I said out loud, “God I really don’t like where I am right now, but I know I’m going to get through it. I’m not going to shame myself for all the things I could be doing. I know that they’ll be there on the other side to handle when I can.”
It was the first time I recognized that what I was doing to myself was adding more harm than good. I rejected those thoughts of, "Just pull yourself together" or other such sentiments that did nothing more than make things worse. I was able to see the cycle where I was beating myself in the middle of it and even after, would look back and beat myself up again for the time wasted.
Two and a half weeks into this episode, I did something different. I made the choice to be kind.
I did for myself what I so often do for others in a similar place – I extended grace.
Can you recall a time where you extended grace to yourself and how that helped you heal?
#capacity #forgiveness #TrustInGod
