I have been attending Al-Anon meetings since May of 2012. It's a 12-step support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s alcoholism or drug addiction. I went there hoping to find the answers that would fix the problem. I had this idea that I could be the one to save this person. It was a big step just to accept that I couldn't do it alone and needed to ask for help. Honestly I thought it was a reflection on my inadequacy if I couldn't figure it out on my own.
So here I was sitting at my first meeting, waiting for the big reveal and instead what I discovered is that there aren't any magic answers. And what’s more – we do not focus on the person struggling with alcohol or drugs but on ourselves. Wait? What?
Attending these meetings have been challenging at times, but so worth the work. I have learned about the disease, about compassion for people suffering from addictions, and compassion for myself and others who are also impacted. And at times, depending on my relationship with alcohol, I’ve known secretly what it’s truly like to be on the other side of this disease.
What I love about Al-Anon is that nobody “shoulds” anyone. We read from these books that are a compilation of stories written by others who are just like us living with this shared experience. Someone volunteers to read a reflection and often comments on how the story resonates with him or her. Everyone is welcome to talk but there's no pressure to do so. We just give one another the space needed to comment if desired before we move on to the next selection from one of the Al-Anon books.
Each time someone shares we respond in the same way – thanking that person and saying his or her name. Period. We don’t ask why he or she didn’t do something different or offer our own opinions on what to do. It's a safe place for people to speak from the heart and their hurt without judgement. And I don’t have to worry if what I say doesn’t make sense to anybody else because it does to me. I am enough.
I have found care. I have a better understanding about the insidiousness of alcoholism and drug addictions. I have found a place where people get me in a way that fills in some of the space and emptiness when I try to articulate my thoughts. As unique as each one of us and our stories are, there is comfort in being with others that will just let you be. There is no fixing, but a lot of wisdom is shared from our own experiences that resonate with one another. And the truth is we leave each meeting taking what we want and leaving behind anything that doesn’t quite fit.
There has definitely been crying. Even in that it’s been a relief to feel comfortable in doing so in front of others who have likely endured a similar experience. Mostly there’s joy. Joy at finding a place where I don’t have to pretend. I can explain if I want but I don’t have to either. I don’t have to worry about people telling me what they think I should do when they only know part of my story. They accept what I give them as I accept theirs. In Al-Anon there is a lot of listening. That and kindness. My connection to it has truly changed my life. It has also provided the framework for this blog.
If you have attended an Al-Anon meeting or any of the twelve step programs, would you speak of your experience? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at
allie joyful Facebook group.
#accompaniment #boundaries #capacity
