My struggle with alcohol has gone on a long time.
It’s not like I didn’t have ongoing conversations with myself about the need to stop drinking. It’s not like I didn’t try. I don’t say I wish I would’ve known earlier because the truth is… I knew when I knew.
There were many days that I believe God was reaching out to me. I actually heard the words, “Choose Me” twice when I was in the garage getting a beer. I turned around to see who was talking to me. I saw no one. But I knew. And I turned away from Him anyway. I guess I just wasn’t ready.
I am Catholic. There’s a prayer called the Confiteor in the opening part of the Mass where we’re called to think about the sins that separate us from God. Without fail, the one I would always whisper was, “I’m sorry God for not choosing You.” I couldn’t even name it but I knew He knew what I couldn’t bring myself to say.
Sometimes when I was in a good place, I would go to Confession. It was a big step. I found peace and I was so determined to stay there. And I would for a while, but eventually I failed. I still confessed that sin every time I attended or watched Mass but the times that I went to receive the sacrament became further apart. It was just too hard to lie – not to the priest because I believed I was being honest in wanting to stop. It was more like I was lying to myself. I wanted God to take away the burden. But He knew there was more I had to do on my part. He was just waiting for me to be ready. Really ready.
I want to be clear that I don’t think drinking is bad, it’s just bad for me.
When I was ready, I took the step that God had been waiting for – the thing I thought I couldn’t possibly do. I threw out the beer and said to myself, “Not tomorrow. Today.” God helped me with the rest.
I have forgiven myself for this. I knew when I knew.
What does forgiveness look like to you? Have you been able to forgive yourself for mistakes made?
#acceptance #bargaining #forgiveness
