I know I have people I can talk to about my struggles. I feel blessed that this number has grown as I’ve been more open about these periods of darkness and my mental illness in general. Family and friends have expressed their willingness to be there for me – whether it’s on the other end of the phone or sitting with me. I am profoundly grateful that they want to accompany me in this way.
In February I was talking to my friend Eileen. I was reflecting on some big things that I had learned from my latest episode in December. As is often the case when I process something with a person I trust, I say stuff that I don’t recognize as being important. But they do.
Eileen listened as I likely spoke for 20 minutes uninterrupted. She just gave me the space to say what I needed. After I finished, she expressed something to the effect of, “Just call me when you are in this place, so you’re not alone.”
I absolutely knew what she meant. I didn’t feel any pressure. I didn’t interpret it as a tone of reproach, disapproval, or exacerbation. I understood that she was trying to help – just as others have. But here’s the thing. Before that moment I didn’t know how to articulate that it’s not that I’m not grateful for those offers or that I don't trust them with my story. I truly couldn’t name why I don’t.
But it must've been in my response that caught her attention because there was a pause and she said, “Wait, what? It hurts to think?”
I was not aware that I had even spoken those words, but they did, in fact, reveal the reason. The pain I feel is like what I imagine a migraine might feel like that has spread throughout my entire body. One that goes on and on. I do things to try to mitigate it – Advil, cold wash cloths over my eyes, shades drawn, chocolate, resting my head on gel ice packs, heating blanket, more chocolate, my fan on at the highest level for white noise.
Sometimes I have the TV on as well. It has to be faint enough that I don’t really hear the words but enough of a presence that I don’t feel completely isolated. And even though I can barely hear it, it’s usually a show, like Castle, that I’ve watched many times. My brain can’t tolerate any new material. It would require too much effort to try and follow the plot.
I don’t have the energy to reach for my phone to make a call or send a text. The movement of my mouth or even my fingers is just too much. Heck, just thinking can put me over the edge. It truly hurts to think. It’s all that I can do to just exist and endure.
Sometimes it takes all the energy I can muster just to search for the remote and mute Castle.
How does your depression manifest itself physically, cognitively, emotionally, and/or spiritually?
#debilitating #depression #painful
