I've seen the pain on the faces of people that love me. I feel for them because it reminds me of how I've felt being on the other side of mental illness. I’ve wanted to be the one that would make things better. But I know that I haven’t caused it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. This is something I've learned in Al-Anon. The principles and practices of this program help me as I navigate my own struggles and accompany others.
Mental illness is insidious to me. Both Sides. I'm living it and sometimes I don’t even want to be around myself. I don’t want to burden others, yet I don’t consider people who I'm accompanying to be a burden. Go figure.
There’s a song running through my mind – well actually just a few of the lines - “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. It’s cloud’s illusions, I recall. I really don’t know clouds at all.”
(I rarely know the lyrics to songs. I’m not sure exactly what that says about me. Perhaps it’s a metaphor for the missing parts in my mind. I tend to fill in what I don’t know with something else or I hear what isn't at all written – like when I thought the words to “Just Remember I Love You” by Firefall were, “When the dog goes crazy and the chili’s gone.” When in reality it’s, “When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone.” I admit that still makes me giggle a bit.)
The song I mentioned above is called “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchelle. It was featured in the first episode of “A Million Little Things.” A teenage girl is singing this at her dad’s funeral. I think about my friends who mourn their loved ones who have died by suicide. I think of others trying to support the ones they care about struggling with mental illness. I think it’s hard to be the ones with mental illness and the ones watching. Both sides are suffering.
I googled “Both Sides Now” to look at the lyrics. I was not surprised that I was way off, but I did have a few more words right. My mental health journey feels similar to songs that I like, but don’t know the words to. I replay the same parts over and over in my mind. I think it’s because they don’t feel real and I need them to be. Sometimes I fill in the spaces with words that seem like a good fit based on the title. But I'm just guessing. It may be a bunch of nonsense, but even then, they have their place.
I played the song on YouTube. The unfamiliar lyrics began to fit with the melody. Each time I play it, I recall a few more words and have a better grasp of the theme. It feels a bit like recognizing my symptoms and triggers. The more episodes I have, the more understanding I have of my conditions. Even when I don’t like what I'm going through, it's somewhat familiar and I can assure myself that I will get to the other side.
Like the end of the song, I'm comforted that there will be one for me.
What do you wish someone would understand about your struggles - whether you are the one that has a mental illness or you are a family member or friend who cares about them? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at
allie joyful Facebook group.
#burden #grief #reality
