I loved a cold Bud Light in a bottle. It was my go-to. I had a friend in college that referred to me as “two-beer Allison” because that was all I needed to feel silly and charming. Really it was this wave of warmth and calmness that washed over me and helped me relax.
For the better part of my adult years, I knew that I sometimes relied on it too much. Some years I would give it up for Lent just so I could prove to myself that I could. Sometimes there were years in between a drink, and then sure enough, I could get back into the rhythm of drinking. For a long time, I was trying to bargain with God to just allow me to have fun with my friends and to take away my desire to drink in the dark. This all changed for me in the summer of 2025.
By July I had been out of a job for about three months. I was applying for ones that I truly thought would be a good fit. Nothing was working out. I felt rejected. I felt forgotten. I felt like a failure. Honestly, I just didn’t want to feel. I started drinking more in the evenings to help me take my mind off things. I thought it would be a good thing.
One night, about 4 am, I woke up feeling like I was suffocating. My heart was racing. So I did the thing that made sense to me… I walked out to my garage and grabbed a Bud Light and downed it in about 3 minutes. My heart slowed and I could breathe. There was that calmness I was looking for. Hey, I think I am on to something.
Sometimes I would sleep through the night and wouldn’t wake up before dawn and sometimes my nights were so filled with restlessness that I was too exhausted to get up before mid-morning. Regardless of what time I woke, I headed to my attached garage where I had bottles of Bud Light hiding in boxes with other things piled on top. I would grab two and then head to my freezer, fill up my insulated cup with crushed ice, pour the beer and quickly draw in comfort through the straw. With the cup pretty full and another Bud Light in hand, I would head back upstairs and drink those two beers until the calmness washed over me and I could catch my breath.
Sometimes I would fall back asleep, and it would start again when I woke later. Sometimes it was late enough in the morning that I got up for the day. There
were
days that were productive. I still applied for jobs and sent requests on LinkedIn. I’ll tell you my grass never looked better because I cut it at least twice a week. I loved seeing the lines in my yard. It gave me order and it gave me purpose.
For the better part of two months, this is how I started each day. If I didn’t start drinking until mid-morning then I might only have six or seven that day but if I started in the early
hours, it was more likely to be 10. I kept repeating the cycle throughout the day, struggling for air, calmness, existing, awareness, struggling for air, repeat.
If you have used alcohol or drugs to cope, can you share why you choose them and whether they helped or made things more difficult? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at …
allie joyful Facebook group.
#bargaining #compulsion #numbing
