I have seen the pain on the faces of people that love me. I feel for them because it reminds me of how I have felt being on the other side of mental illness. I’ve wanted to be the one that would make things better. But I know that “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”. This is something I have learned in Al-Anon. The principles and practices of this program help me as I navigate my own struggles and accompany others.
Mental illness is insidious to me. Both Sides. I am living it and sometimes I don’t even want to be around myself. I don’t want to burden others, yet I don’t consider people who I am accompanying to be a burden. Go figure.
There’s a song running through my mind – well actually just a few of the lines - “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. It’s cloud’s illusions, I recall. I really don’t know clouds at all.”
(I rarely know the lyrics to songs. I’m not sure exactly what that says about me. Perhaps it’s a metaphor for the missing parts in my mind. I tend to fill in what I don’t know with something else or I hear what is not at all written – like when I thought the words to “Just Remember I Love You” by Firefall were “when the dog goes crazy and the chili’s gone” when in reality it’s “when it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone.” I admit that still makes me giggle a bit.)
The song I mentioned above is called “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchelle. It was featured in the first episode of “A Million Little Things”. A teenage girl is singing this at her dad’s funeral. I think about my friends who mourn their loved ones who have died by suicide. I think of others trying to support the ones they care about struggling with mental illness. I think it’s hard to be the ones with mental illness and the ones watching. Both sides are suffering.
I googled “Both Sides Now” to look at the lyrics. I was not surprised that I was way off, but I did have a few more words right. My mental health journey feels similar to songs that I like, but don’t know the words to. I replay the same parts over and over in my mind. I think it’s because they don’t feel real and I need them to be. Sometimes I fill in the spaces with words that seem like a good fit based on the title. But I am just guessing. It may be a bunch of nonsense, but even then, they have their place.
I played the song on YouTube. The unfamiliar lyrics began to fit with the melody. Each time I play it, I recall a few more words and have a better grasp of the theme. It feels a bit like recognizing my symptoms and triggers. The more episodes I have, the more understanding I have of my conditions. Even when I don’t like what I am going through, it is somewhat familiar and I can assure myself that I will get to the other side.
Like the end of the song, I am comforted that there will be one for me.
What do you wish someone would understand about your struggles - whether you are the one that has a mental illness or you are a family member or friend who cares about them? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at … allie joyful Facebook group.
#acceptance #accompaniment #boundaries #burden #capacity #coping #debilitating #depression #gratitude #grief #painful #reality #unpredictable #vulnerability
