Allie Joyful Community Blog

Why Would I Put Myself Out There Like This?

Mon, 18 May 2026 17:26:45 GMT

I am overcoming my fears and feel worthy of telling my story

I have struggled with mental illnesses for a long time. Even when I didn’t have a name for what I was suffering from, it was there. I didn’t understand why I could feel so “regular” and then I wouldn’t. And it’s not like there was the Internet where you could type in some symptoms or behaviors and get an answer.

When I first started talking about doing this blog, I received mixed reactions. Some worried about what others would think or say to me, or about me. Honestly, it has been a relief to finally come to a place where I don’t want to hide anymore. I was tired of the energy it took to exist as I was. And it’s not that I don’t care what people think about me, it’s that I am okay with it. I doubt that it could be worse than what I have thought about myself all these years. And honestly if they do, that’s okay too because I could be cruel when it came to me. I have also had my share of unkind thoughts towards others. I believe they came from a place of woundedness. If someone says something harsh about me, that’s their truth. I don't have to own their stuff.

I am grateful to family and friends who have asked the questions that have led me to this place. I also want to acknowledge the impact that Brené Brown has had on me. She doesn’t know me, but she feels like a friend. I first saw her 2019 Netflix special “Call to Courage” in 2022. She spoke of things that resonated with my experiences and helped me make sense of things I did not understand. I felt seen. I am drawn to her masterful storytelling and how she weaves and reveals her important research through them.

Even when they were challenging and hard to hear and even when I had to recognize and reconcile some of those things in myself, there was comfort seeing that played out right in front of me. The more times I watched, the more I let go. I love her stories. They have made a difference for me. Often I saw myself in them and I suppose it helped me to feel safe to move. This is probably why I have watched the special twenty-one times and will likely again. Each time they have helped me go a little deeper.

I am overcoming my fears and feel worthy of telling my story. I am being brave with my life.

What are your feelings about what others might think of you if they knew about your struggles with mental illness? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at allie joyful Facebook group.

#acceptance #accompaniment #burden #coping #courage #forgiveness #gratitude #hiding #painful #pretending #reality #unpredictability #vulnerability

Beginnings

Thu, 14 May 2026 16:38:38 GMT

it had exposed a part of my heart and suffering

I wrote the reflection on Jacqueline S. in March 2025. I’d found a template for a sunflower mental health lanyard we had worked on a couple years earlier tucked away in a desk drawer. I missed her. In an yyyhhhhhhhhhhyyyyhhhyyhhyyyyyyyytimpulse I grabbed my phone and spoke into it. For a moment it felt like she was on the other end and I was just telling her my thoughts. What you saw in the post “Jacqueline S.” is pretty much what I said initially, with just a few subsequent edits. I think the whole thing took about seven minutes. It was so easy to speak those words about her and that ease must have helped me to transition into naming my own mental health struggles. When I finished talking and looked at the words, I was struck by the rawness and admission. They said something different than what was in my head. It made a kind of sense that I had not accepted before.

Jacqueline’s life and death had motivated me in my work and advocacy for others. Many of her experiences resonated with ones that I had tried to keep hidden. I had shared hers as a way to impact change but had stopped short of revealing my own.

I read and reread the words that Jacqueline had said about her mental illness. About them not defining her but being part of how God created her and trying to figure out how He was using her to make a difference for others. I had never intended to share what I wrote about her with anyone. It was just for me. But it had exposed a part of my heart and suffering. It made me wonder if He had a similar plan for me.

I first shared what I wrote with my friend Kelly. She received it with such love and compassion. She got me thinking about starting a blog and suggested submitting my piece to our local newspaper as part of Mental Health Awareness Month. That didn’t go anywhere but it was a step.

God kept putting people in my path that were willing to use their gifts and skills to make my simple words reach others. When I told my children that I felt that sharing my story would be good for me and might help others, my daughter Caroline told her friend and co-worker, Lauren, at their AD agency. She created my logo. I started being braver about the possibilities and talked about my mental health struggles more intentionally. This led to my connection with Jenn who offered to design this website and take care of the social media.

Because Jacqueline’s story was the first thing that I wrote, I worked backwards from there. I shared my first writings with another friend, Meagan, who kindly challenged me to go deeper and name the things I initially glossed over. I changed mental “health” to mental “illness”. It felt safer to be real. God continued to put people in my path.

I called Jacqueline’s parents to tell them of my intentions and to ask permission to tell her story. They were touched that I wanted to honor their daughter and the impact she had on my life. They cautioned me that people might treat me differently once they knew of my mental illnesses. I felt their deep care and concern for me. They helped me to consider the risks I was taking.

Whenever I go across town, I try to take the route that passes by her home. It’s then that I call her parents. Sometimes I am lucky and they are there to pick up. Other times I leave a voicemail and I hear from them later. Jacqueline had called a week before she died and left a message. I play it sometimes to hear her voice. I treasure it and the memory of other things she shared. Her words made a difference. She had kindly challenged me to consider what I was doing in terms of my own struggles. I think she would be pleased that I am sharing her story and mine.

Is there someone you know personally or a public figure that has shared his or her struggle regarding mental illness that has made a difference for you? Please share your thoughts about this or anything else that resonates with you from the post at allie joyful Facebook group.

Jacqueline S.

Mon, 11 May 2026 22:30:49 GMT

How Her Life Inspired Me to Be More Open About My Mental Health Struggles

A few years ago I met a young woman named Jacqueline. At that time I worked for the Catholic Church in the ministry with persons with disabilities. Jacqueline called looking for a parish that would welcome her. Her first line to me was, “Is there any place that will accept me for just who I am?” When Jacqueline entered my world that day, I could not have known the tremendous impact she would have on my life both professionally and personally.

Jacqueline lived with many physical and mental disabilities — some were more obvious, others were not. The more she shared about her struggles, the more I wanted to know and the deeper we went. Sometimes she would look at me — often I couldn’t tell if she was pleased or incredulous with my questions, as if I should already know, or maybe she was surprised I wanted to know. She shared how unkind so many had been to her. Jacqueline had Tourette’s and with that came various forms of tics. They could be loud and startling, but when I understood, it just became an expected part of our conversations.

Jacqueline was so funny and vulnerable. She shared things because I believe she trusted me. She invited me into her world, at least some pieces of it, and I treasure what I learned from her. I cannot speak to what happened in those last moments before she couldn’t endure the unkindness and pain any longer. I just knew that I would no longer experience that beautiful young woman in a way I had grown to love and look forward to engaging.

I would speak of Jacqueline often and would share her story with others through my work. The lessons she taught me impacted how I interacted and advocated. Deep inside was this voice — my own — reaching up to where it would eventually be spoken. It took almost two years. Two years to be ready to speak my truth and share my ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety, the aftermath of my eating disorder and how these diagnoses manifested themselves in my life.

Jacqueline spoke the words that touched my heart, rocked me to the core, and inspired me to be more open about my own mental health struggles… "My mental illness doesn’t define me, but it is part of how God made me, so what does He want me to do with this?”